In the world of seasoned veterans, sports are widely regarded as being divinely inspired. Football, basketball, baseball and the like all hold special places in the hierarchy of importance for true vets. As any real man knows, food, clothing, and shelter take a back seat to copious alcohol consumption, gambling, and bare-chest painting in freezing weather when sports are involved.
While the mainstream pastimes go a long way in satisfying these basic needs, there always seems to be one major piece of the proverbial puzzle missing:
MIDGETS
(What the Super Friends would look like if their respective parents happened to also be siblings.)
To satiate this glaring omission, drunken veterans, sick of the usual pillaging and driven wild by the promiscuity of lurking wenches, invented the glorious sport of DWARF TOSSING.
To satiate this glaring omission, drunken veterans, sick of the usual pillaging and driven wild by the promiscuity of lurking wenches, invented the glorious sport of DWARF TOSSING.
The rules are simple: find the most aerodynamic midgets you can and toss those little square-headed bastards as far as humanly possible. Your dwarf of choice is known as the "Missle", and the thrower is called the "Tosser".
There are two categories: the solo toss and the tandem throw. Solo tossers most often employ the "Hammer Throw", where they rotate around two or three times, gaining centrifugal force, and sending their spinning super-elves flying. Conversely, tandem tossers usually prefer to use the "Battering-Ram" approach, swinging their screaming ball of short appendages back and forth between them until takeoff.
As of this posting, the longest solo toss on record stands at thirty feet. Yep, you heard me right...that's a full first-down's worth of flying little person. The tandem toss world record is unknown, as it is thought that the perpetrators were probably too drunk to remember their amazing feat of athleticism.
We cagey veterans now charge you aspiring vets to bring this wonderful sport into the focus of the national consciousness. America, next time you find yourself boozed up on back-woods moonshine and bored, turn off that prized VHS porn and go find a midget, deck him out in your favorite flying superhero costume, and launch that tiny fucker into orbit.
We'll be waiting...
There are two categories: the solo toss and the tandem throw. Solo tossers most often employ the "Hammer Throw", where they rotate around two or three times, gaining centrifugal force, and sending their spinning super-elves flying. Conversely, tandem tossers usually prefer to use the "Battering-Ram" approach, swinging their screaming ball of short appendages back and forth between them until takeoff.
As of this posting, the longest solo toss on record stands at thirty feet. Yep, you heard me right...that's a full first-down's worth of flying little person. The tandem toss world record is unknown, as it is thought that the perpetrators were probably too drunk to remember their amazing feat of athleticism.
We cagey veterans now charge you aspiring vets to bring this wonderful sport into the focus of the national consciousness. America, next time you find yourself boozed up on back-woods moonshine and bored, turn off that prized VHS porn and go find a midget, deck him out in your favorite flying superhero costume, and launch that tiny fucker into orbit.
We'll be waiting...
