Coach Taylor is my fucking hero...

More to come...

Hall of Famer #2

Today's hall of famer needs no introduction, but hell, it'd be a crime not to...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yieAXxohk3o&feature=related

I feel confident in saying that, short of Jesus, Bill Goldberg is the most ass-kicking Jew who ever lived. Reared in the household of a classical violinist and a Harvard grad, this cagey veteran began practicing his patented Spear on California redwoods in his late grade-school years. While honing his wrestling craft, he spent his free time building an immunity to herpes and stamping out any traces of post-pubescent synogogical anal virginity. A true sporting man, Goldberg once bet the lives of a small Vietnamese fishing village on his first wrestling match. Just to drive the point home, he went on to win his next 172 bouts.

After conquering the wrestling world, Goldberg set his sights on Hollywood. After deciding that there were too many "pussified Christmas movies", The Man starred in this classic gem:





Currently, Goldberg can be found addressing the United States Congress on issues of manliness, or cultivating record-holding, award-winning avocados from his South American ranch he named "Venezuela".


Truly a man amongst men, and a wrestler amongst wrestlers, we Seasoned Veterans salute this grizzled old hand for all the wonderful gifts he has brought to the world. Through the ebb and flow of life, the doldrums of day-to-day living are taken for granted, but We know that the end may be no more than one Jackhammer away...

Say it with me:

GOLD-BERG...GOLD-BERG...GOLD-BERG...

Hall of Famer

The world has been around for somewhere around a couple hundred years. In that time frame men have roamed the earth to kick ass and bed women. Some did that better than others. We are here to acknowledge these trailblazers by inducting them in a fake Hall of Fame. This Hall of Fame, although a figment of our peyote-fueled imagination, includes a food court, drinking fountains with your favorite swill, and a carousel of dancing dames. Here is the first inductee:

Heracles

(born year 0, died because he got pissed shoes were invented)

This crafty veteran of life was one of the original men to roam the earth who had the distinct pleasure of making fellow men soil themselves, maidens tremble in the loins, and four headed minotaurs not rape each other. While we can't get into all of his exploits* due to time constraints and the fact that the list might be so gargantuan that it would destroy the Internet, causing the inevitable invention of the Internet2, we will conveniently list a few of his feats in bullet points (which he coincidentally invented):

• He so impressed his pops Zeus that the Big Z said, "Fuck it, he's a god," and he became one
• After killing a king's man and virgin-eating lion, he just wore the lion's skin as pajamas.
• Actually he didn't wear pajamas because he was promptly offered all 50 of the king's daughters to bang. He did so in one night. He had an appointment the next morning.
• He didn't have to commute.
• At various points in his life, he killed a 9 headed serpent with something he invented named Cancer, tricked that dumbass Atlas into carrying the heavens, cleaned 30,000 cattle in one day by damming a river, and killed the 3 headed watchdog of the underworld.
• Unimpressed with himself, he grumpily ate some meat.
• He invented Cricket to fuck with Middle easterners and wrote complicated cave work of art that was later the inspiration for the screenplay Schindler's List.
• Pissed at his nagging wife, he allowed a centaur to rape her.

You get a sense of the depth and breadth of this wily veteran. A scholar, a gentleman, an American badass, and a cocksman he was a precursor and inspiration to such savvy vets as...

More inductions to follow...

*While I remember, there is a caveat to his induction. Heracles the inductee is not to be confused with the little boner in his side the Romans tried to create named Hercules. Contrary to the beliefs of some historians, Hercules was just something the Romans made up to past the time while they fucked up ruling the world and touched little boys. The only Hercules to have lived was a Hollywood creation played by Kevin Sorbo in between his tryout failures in American Gladiators.

Pah...

Wily. Cagey. Savvy. Crafty. Grizzled. Crusty. Well-worn...Take your pick.

Seasoned isn't just a defunct Backyard Burger french fry flavor any more.

We're bred for speed, and comfort.

The real-life representation of the wonder that was Bill Brasky. All we lack is the booze-addled gaggle of tall-tale spewing disciples. Fuck, we'd drive an ice cream truck covered in human skulls if gas, and human skulls, weren't sold at such a premium. 'Cause that's what men do...

Strap in tight. You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only use the edge of it...