Cold Weather Veteran

We Seasoned Veterans hold in high regard anything that separates real men from the womb-craving pussies that the rest of the world calls "boys". One of these under-appreciated conditions is known to the world as the "Cold", or what a true Vet calls "Fightin' Weather".

A much deserved nod of respect is due to anything that can make a woman's nipples stand up like little top-hats.

Seeing as how this time of year it's just starting to get cold enough to make a young dame's love buttons hard with nothing but a stiff wind, we vets decided it was time to salute a man who has taken it upon himself to represent what cold should mean.

And by cold, we mean Alaska.

Therefore, we'd like to take our Elmer Fudd hats off to whomever the boulder-toting, dog-mushing, Eskimo-banging badass is who designed the Alaskan statehood quarter.

That's right...We're saluting a dude that designed a quarter, but for good reason.

Look at this thing:

This small piece of copper and nickel clearly shouts out to anyone with any inkling of an idea to start shit (read: Russia), in no uncertain terms:

"IF YOU FUCK WITH US YOU WILL BE MAULED, RAPED, AND EATEN BY A GOD DAMNED KODIAK BEAR. WE WILL NOT HAVE ANY MERCY ON YOU. WE REPEAT: YOU WILL BE BEATEN WITH HIS SKILLET-SIZED PAWS, ANALLY SODOMIZED WITH THE 1400 POUND ANIMAL'S FOOT-LONG MEMBER, THEN SLOWLY EATEN AS HE PICKS AROUND THE CHERNOBYL-LIKE DISASTER THAT USED TO BE YOUR ASSHOLE. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE KODIAK RAPED. DON'T FUCK WITH US."

Possible prelude to a Kodiak Butt-Fucking.

This type of cagey intimidation technique should be admired and regarded as the template with which all other states should design their quarters. Unfortunately for some though, the brilliance of the Alaska quarter came too late, as was the case with pussiest quarter in all the land:

Alabama.

The only thing this coin screams is:
"Help... someone is constantly fucking with me by leaving the plunger in the toilet, making me read a stucco wall, and rearranging all the living-room furniture. My dog's name is 'Nymphdrumpherlmf', and I have to masturbate with one hand so I can moan with the other."

Man up Alabama...Take a cue from "The Last Frontier".

So it is with great pleasure that those of us with enough testicular fortitude to call ourselves Seasoned Veterans would like to acknowledge the faceless, nameless, Iditarod-bitching, igloo-building, whale blubber-burning, Inuit babe fucker that had the gumption to design such a masterpiece.

Go celebrate with a stiff whiskey and a roll in the snow...

You deserve it.